by Andrea Seigel

Vienna walks toward destiny

As these things tend to do, The Bachelor finale episode kicks off with a recap.  Over waterfall footage, Jake hits his love life talking points like we’re sitting in on his first emoting workshop at the Steven Seagal Acting Studio.  You don’t need to see him to know that he’s squinting.

We join him as he’s walking along the bay in a deep v-neck, tanning his cleavage.  He agonizes that he’s “right on the edge of finding my wife,” which sounds kind of suicidal–as it should, considering he’s whittled himself down to the choice between a human cotton ball and a girl who will eventually drain their savings for a space-age nipple lift.

When Jake enters a tropical condo to consult with his family, he beams them a ginormous smile as if he’s walking into a room of people he doesn’t know.  This is the same smile I reserve for really old men I’m not sure I’ve already met because sometimes they can look alike, you know?  Jake announces that he “needs a second set of eyes,” but I believe in his heart he already knows that Vienna’s breasts are larger.

It’s time to bring in Tenley.  As she embraces Jake’s parents, she coos, “Oh my goodness!” like she’s visiting a hospital ward of children who have lost their arms and she doesn’t want to make them feel bad about their shoulder stub hugs.  As she talks with the family, there’s the distinct sense she’s conducting a parent-teacher meeting and Jake’s the best boy in her class.  She swears to his parents that she’s not in love with “the idea of Jake,” and I totally believe her, because there is no idea of Jake.  When was the last time you had an “idea” of Wonder bread that went beyond its nature as bread?

When Jake’s mom, Sallie, pulls Tenley out for a heart-to-heart, this is where we first learn that Sallie is obsessed with female familial bonding.  Far less concerned with whether the couple will have a life that runs any deeper than a giggle, all Sallie really cares about is that Tenley gets along with the sister-wives.  I mean, the daughters-in-law.  It gets very culty before Jake takes Tenley by the hand and gets her to jump clothed in the pool with him.  Well, no, actually, it stays culty.  Tenley laughs like her re-virginity depends on it.  Jake’s brothers get into the pool and bear hug her creepily.  The sisters-in-law stay dry, observing from the concrete and nodding into the sun, Yes, she will hang out the laundry with us; it is so.

Vienna’s turn!  Mom hopes Vienna is “special.”  Oh, she is, mom, she is.  Check out the set of her eyes.

Because this family lives like Lindsay Lohan‘s Mean Girls is their personal Texas Chainsaw Massacre, they exchange looks like Vienna’s aborted their collective baby when she starts talking about how she didn’t get along with the other contestants who were trying out Jake’s tongue.  Next comes the part where Vienna finally wins me over.  She defends herself by saying the other women didn’t like her because she’s honest.  Jake’s sister-in-law, wanting to test this, asks, “Do you think I look fat in this outfit?”  Vienna twists her hand to indicate, “Welllllllll” and laughing, says “Kind of.”  It’s great.  But in the end, Vienna falls back on years of intensive “Daddy’s Girl” training and bursts into manipulative tears, somehow getting Jake’s family to issue a mass apology to her and extend her curfew an hour.

The last two dates before the final rose ceremony are excruciatingly boring, so all you need to know is that:

1.  Vienna and Jake rub foul-smelling mud on each other at the sulfur springs, then she gifts him her father-daughter promise ring.  Her dad awakes sweating in the middle of the night, mystically alerted to some yet unknown and quivering horror.

2.  Tenley and Jake go snorkeling and sailing on a boat, where Jake cracks and essentially admits to Tenley that he doesn’t want to hit the Laura Ashley sheets with her.  It’s so over.

Tenley's fateful end

At this juncture, my dog starts snoring loudly next to me on the couch.  Tenley, trying to save her sinking ship, also has a gift for Jake, and eyeballing it, I wake my dog to tell her, “I’m going to guess that’s a scrapbook even before he opens it.”   But it turns out to be a scrap shadowbox.  My apologies, Tenley.

Jake (I seriously just forgot his name while I was searching for the beginning of that sentence) wakes up the next morning and thinks about who he wants to “occupy his fuselage.”  Okay, so that’s my own quote, but if this show had run another week, that’s where the producers’ desperation for plane metaphors would have taken them.  When Jake admits to the jeweler that he hasn’t chosen the girl yet, ABC tries to bring in the flamenco guitars like this is romantic.  But this is not romantic unless you’ve always dreamed of standing at the altar and your groom is there next to you, debating whether he wants to marry the harp player instead.  Jake complains that “the rings almost made it more confusing,” and I become terrified for anyone who gets booked on one of his flights.  Not a mental-multitasker, this dude.  If you see him chewing a piece of gum when you board, you might just want to mosey back down the platform.

The time is here to claim a bride.  Jake’s completely twitching as Tenley’s helicopter lands.  She’s in a nude dress, hoping to remind him that she, too, gets nude.  When he breaks up with her, he admits that their interactions feel forced, and this is maybe the first time that I identify with him.  He doesn’t want to be Prince Eric for Halloween.  Tenley’s like, “…but I already sewed my tail!”

And that means…it’s Vienna! (Cue techno, lower beer bong.)  Jake gives her the patented Katie Holmes “amazing” compliment, and he’s totally messing with her head for a while.  He even gives her back the promise (coughincestcough) ring, and at home her dad is punching into the air, getting ready to marry her all over again.  But then Jake takes some pauses–having learned this dramatic technique at Seagal’s studio–and proposes.  Vienna’s wearing huge gold earrings, but she’s clearly a mixed metals girl because she has no problem taking the platinum ring.

The couple After the Rose

On “After The Rose,” we learn that even though Tenley’s had a bad end to the second relationship she’s ever tried in her life, she’s still sticking with the gurgling baby voice, hitting all the phlegmy “ch” sounds that I couldn’t manage at my bat mitzvah.  Tables have turned and now Jake’s treating her like she’s the slow kindergartner.  She just can’t seem to process that someone not being attracted to you isn’t a good thing, no matter which way you look at it.  When she points out all the affection Jake showed her, my boyfriend laments that people who go on this show still don’t understand how it works.  They never, ever will.  So sad.

And how are Jake and Vienna doing?  Well, he’s totally in love with his “baby!” Things are really boring when people are happy, and this segment of the hour is no exception.  Spacing out, my boyfriend and I get into a discussion about whether the divot on the right side of Jake’s mouth is a dimple, cleft, or mole.  Jake stops smiling for a second, and I’m able to rule out mole.  Vienna’s hot pink dress has a bib-curtain, like it’s a literal garment interpretation of dinner theater.  And her eyes look like they’ve wandered a little further inward.  I’m not trying to be a dick; I just learned a lot about strabismus when Star Magazine did their coverage of Dannielynn Birkhead’s condition.  Chris Harrison is wearing a baby blue tie that’s dangerously close to his baby blue shirt.  It’s a weird choice if you’re not going to commit to the baby blue jacket too.  The guy who sings “Wings of Love” (iTunes sales sparkling in his straight-ahead eyes) performs and Vienna and Jake dance, not nearly as ashamed as they should be.  Drawing from his stage-passion exercise at the Seagal Studio, Jake takes Vienna’s head in both hands and is still not able to look like he’s authentically kissing her.

Oh, and Alli’s the next Bachelorette, but you already knew that in the pit of your soul. With her appearance, I’ve now had to sit through three one-shouldered dresses in a single night.  Someone please find her the other sleeve by the time her season airs, yes?

Andrea Seigel is a novelist.  You can find her on Twitter as @andreaseigel