Fittingly, this ep was called “The Hurt Locket,” which means even GG knew that Bigelow was gonna go big at the Oscars.

Jenny in the Dress with K Zegs

So we start out with Serena having “quit politics” to focus on issues “closer to her heart.” Translation, she was into politics when it involved a guy she liked– Tripp. If you’ll recall they were so in love it was enough to break up a family and destroy a career. (But NOT EVEN A MENTION OF HIM THIS EPISODE. S changes relationships more often than she gets her roots done). Point is, she’s back to being a lady who lunches because she’s back with Nate, her “Prince Charming,” and a fellow rich slacker. No need for a job.

And Now, Our Thoughts.

Little J is a MONSTER. The way she acts with Lily? No.

“If we wanted to have sex, we’d just go to a hotel.” THIS IS WHAT SHE SAID THIS TO LILY after being asked her to keep her bedroom door open when K Zegs was in there talkin’ high profile drug deals:  Snark!! Lily, where is your backbone? That’s lock her up and have her homework messengered material! No? I am REALLY watching my karma so I don’t end up with a teenager like her. Hold on lemme pull out my rosary beads. I don’t have any. I should get some.

SO, lemme ask you something: has Rufus been so down and out about Lily’s one night in Paris (maybe Paris? I can’t remember) with her ex-husband that he’s taken to a steady diet of drinking and pills? He is SO PUFFY in the face and all the thick woolen scarves around his neck can’t hide it, CW. In real life, Matthew Settle is going through a divorce and apparently cavorting with much younger blondes, and it’s showing. There’s also rumors he could even be cozying up to Kelly Rutherford! Why not? It works for everyone else on the show to date each other. Those kids all have Summer Camp Love if I’ve ever seen it. When I look at photos of the guys I resorted to “liking” at summer camp, it’s like having an out of body experience. I just can’t process that I ever kissed a guy who wore turquoise spandex. I wonder if that’s how Blake Lively will feel about Penn Badgely one day. Maybe it’s how Jennifer Aniston feels about Tate Donavon now.

Welcome Home, Nate

Serena and Nate coatroom sex scene– points for hotness. (The homecoming scene at the Waldorf’s though? Too robotic). But in the coatroom, it’s steamier. Also, she is wearing a great taupe shade on her fingernails and a black shade on her toes, it looks GREAT. Noted.

Speaking of  Serena, she’s killing us. Immediately asking Damian to the French Ambassador dinner, just because Nate wisely suggested going slow? Sure we’d be bummed about the date being cancelled but we would never pull tricks like this  so early on. Girl, Nate sat by you in the hospital after your accident with Tripp, and then he texted you every night while he was away. Don’t. blow. this. She is just always just reaching for that destruct button.. because she can. Because everyone takes Serena back, no matter what. They think they’re mad at her, but then she walks in the room looking like a million bucks, and the mind hits reset. But take away the boobs and the hair? She’d have no friends and be living under a bridge. But since our Serena voodoo doll is only half-sewn, she continues to work that ridiculous rack and endless head of hair. We’ll let you know when the doll’s finished. Cancel that. YOU’LL KNOW.

Little J’s dress at the French Ambassador Dinner? Fierce. It’s by Andrew GN, and we can’t afford it. I do think they’re letting Taylor Momsen dictate her style a little too much. This much goth on the UES just couldn’t fly in real life, could it? We don’t know what it’s like up there these days, it was hard enough getting out of Brooklyn this winter.

When Serena called out to K Zegs, “text me your number,” I died. She just knows she doesn’t have his, but surely he’s scraped around to get hers.  (Maddeningly, she’s right). Most of us are all, “wait, do you have my number? Do I have yours? I can’t remember.” NOT SERENA.

Grievance: What about when someone in the coat room stepped on the Pill Jacket and a whole Percocet was crunched on the floor? No one saw that? At any given NYC party, a minimum of three drunk girls would have swan dove for it. Also, why does this French Ambassador’s daughter have to get her coat o’ pills AT THE PARTY when all eyes are on her? Doesn’t she have a minion she can send to a back alley?

As much as I can’t stand Little J, this story line has roped me in. Kevin Zegers is definitely so bad he’s good. Remember when you were 16 and you would do ANYTHING for that older crush of yours? You let him speak to you when he wanted (read: never in public) treat you like crap, and toss you aside for more experienced, bigger-boobed blond girls? Wesuredo.

Dan seduces V in a tank top

Of note: Dan looks really short in this episode.

Also, tsk tsk Rufus, why you gotta play Lily like that? You’re gonna toss it all out the window for the bitter single rich lady downstairs? Hope that “coffee” was worth it.

Blair’s Anna Karenina outfit? Hot. Chuck’s pinky ring? Not. We hope it’s something he’s just trying out, but Blair should have corrected that by now. Is love making Blair too soft? We’re worried.

Next week, Dan gets it on in a tank top with Vanessa, who’s back and “has feelings for him,” and Little J hopes to get “punished” by Damian. Barf!  I mean, rewind that. And, we find out that mysterious woman is Chuck’s mom after all. No surprise there. Blair knew that the minute she laid eyes on her! There is also a total resemblance in Chuck’s wide, flat-faced bone structure. Also, Nate and S wear themselves out. In bed.

Next week’s promo and sneak peek: