Sarah: Hi Kate, What did you think about Lil J’s ratty-ass yellow extensions?

Kate: They swallow her.  And the slo-mo hair toss in the beginning made me want to rip that weave right out.

Sarah: That’s the money shot I’m talking about! Awful. And they played that “rockstar” song. I gagged. You know she made them play that.

Sarah: Kate, please fill out the rest of this sentence. “If Lil J rolls her heavily made up skunk eyes one more time I will…”

Kate:  “If Little J rolls her heavily made up skunk eyes (although they’ve gotten better) one more time, I will slap her on the back so her face stays like that forever.”

Sarah: LOL good answer momma kate!

Sarah: OK, lets talk fashion very quickly – it should be noted Blair now wears only silk bathrobes or evening wear during the day.

Kate: crickets.

Sarah: Moving on, I cant stand the Chuck’s Mom story line, it’s such a snooze. Why are we supposed to care?

Kate:  There was a lot of mesh cleavage

(Jenny’s dress, Serena’s horrific frock)

Kate:  Like, since when does Serena cover the bomb squad??

Sarah:  YES. Not sure.

Sarah: Question— At what point do you send Lil J to boarding school?

Kate:  She’d be sent to a boarding school in Switzerland by now (reference: parent trap – haley mills version)

Sarah:  Kevin Zegs had some seriously pervy moments

I’d say between him saying “nice and slow” to Lil J about her first time

to him saying “the place beneath your kilt” he’s a serious underwear sniffer

Kate:  Haha – ew totally

Sarah: And how old is he supposed to be?

Kate: Too Old.

Kate:  speaking of underwear….did you get to the part where V admits to Dan she’s not wearing any?  ew.

Sarah: Yes I saw V walk over ( she walks like a man) and say that shizz about the underwear, then Dan BIT his lip. Totally gross.

Sarah:  If you took off Jenny’s eye liner, lip gloss and extensions she’d look younger than Fanning.

Kate:  She is!!  And Zegs is like the creepy substitute on Lifetime Movies who hits on the H.S. students. Raunch.

Sarah: I love Lifetime.

Kate:  I missed the point where Damien actually started liking Jenny, instead of just using her to peddle his narcotics

Sarah:  Everyone missed that part. It went from zero (last ep) to heavy petting (this ep).

Sarah:  I also thought I detected a spark between Chuck and Lily. I’m all for that romance– its the last one we havent covered on this incestual show.

Kate:  I was thinking Chuck’s mom and Rufus!!

Sarah:  I just can’t watch Nate and Chuck and V and Blair and Serena swap STDs anymore

Kate:  Haha.

Sarah:  Question– in real life Kelly Rutherford and Matthew Settle are both swinging single, so– do you want them to date in real life or could you care less.

Kate:  I think I might actually like her…whereas he skeeves me out.

Sarah: Lily is looking too thin recently. Perhaps it’s the real life paternity case.

But dang it looks good. Sigh.

Sarah: Did that scarf Lily left in Brooklyn belong to the Cougar downstairs?

Kate:  No — it was rufus’ scarf that HE left in Cougar’s apt and Cougar left it at the doorman desk with Vania.  Which baffles me, because rich UES Cougars know how to cheat more subtlely than that.

Sarah:  she wants to get caught! (Like Lloyd Dobbler– “I wanna get hurt!)

Sarah:  I’m really over the “we’re old” jokes like the “Dirty Dancing–it’s good– download it” crap. Jenny liking that movie ironically is gag central.

Kate: OMG. I died.

and poor Patrick Swayze.

he’s not even cold in his grave

Kate:  He loses all post humous credibilty by being the object of Serena’s teenage lust

Sarah:  Also what about Rufus suddenly being like the lady who “sits” in a crisis and ppl bring him casseroles– he’s all, “Oh thank you for coming, Vanessa, how i needed you by my side”

Kate: and yes – rufus wins worst father of the decade award.

Kate:  like, jenny has run away, cut class, etc before and rufus is all ‘get brooklyn under her feet again” and thinks hes curing her?

Sarah:  So stupid hes like a goldfish. He forgets everything.

Kate:  he’s the reason she’s gonna end up knocked up before college

and where is mama?  she just soooo cares so little about her kids? nope

Sarah: and Chuck’s new gap toothed overbite? What is that ABOUT.

Kate:  Chucks affected way of talking grates me

Sarah:  What about when Zegs calls Latin a “dead language” all smug-like like hes the first person to ever say that

Sarah:  And WHAT was serena mad at nate about? NOT talking about her losing her virginity? Or something? HOW does she always find somethign to pout about?

Kate:  implying she’s a slut

which she is

how DARE he

Sarah:  I hate that ppl always just go running to her

Kate:  she only broke up a politicians marriage, slept with her best friends boyfriend, and blew lines off a coke dealers chest naked – WHY would we think she’s a slut?

Sarah:  LOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

I am losing it!!!

Kate:  OK

Sarah:  oh and someone died in her room while she was nekkid

remember

but god forbid Nate remind her

Kate:  right – he was blowing lines off their soiled sex sheets when he OD’ed

Kate:  and Georgina was filming

oh, how unslutty

Sarah: cant wait for her Georgina– she’s coming back, and she’s coming back BLONDE

Kate: totes

Sarah:  ok K Zegs jsut said “i’ll give you a real reason to thank me” and attacked Jenny in the hotel room.

Kate:  legit child molester

Sarah: I think we’re just going tohave to call this The Mesh Cleavege episode

Kate:  seriously

it was wierd right?

Sarah:  Jack Bass’ new goatee is wretch worthy

Kate:  is that even the same jack bass?

Sarah: yes same guy.  diff facial hair. he was on Dexter (love that show).

Sarah: Serena never wears any freakin clothes

Kate: she lets those babies breathe every chance she gets

Sarah:    OK why is Serena letting Nate act like she was date raped in the coat room by K Zegs? We were all there Serena, he just tried to kiss you! Men have tried, and gotten away, with much worse! Why all this attention CONSTANTLY ON YOU

Kate:  serena is a self important self absorbed trainwreck

Sarah:  no job no school just sex makes Serena bat sh-t crazy

Kate:  sex lies and videotapes. like, literally

Sarah:  but her mom is the example do nothing sleep with guys, eff them over they keep coming  back! but lily is just more likable

Kate:  lily at least pretends to care about others.

Sarah: right

Kate:  Serena just wants to overwhelm people w/ her amazonian breasticles, massive hair weave, and pouty lips

Sarah:  Omg jenny i know im supposed to feel bad for you right now because you feel used, but the “dad, whatever” comment is too much for me.

Sarah: do you think serena’s hair is a weave in real life?

Kate:  theres gotta be mad hair extensions up in there

Sarah:  serena literally looks like she should be selling her wares on 43rd street in that dress

Why does jenny do stuff like this: tell her dad and lily they were damians pills. 2) tell nate damains a dealer. 3) tell ppl she really had sex

Kate:  you mean, lie to everyone about everything? b/c her role models are serena, lily, her mom, and blair

Sarah:  RIGHT

Kate: Where’s Eric by the way?

and do they just not even pretend to go to nyu anymore?

Sarah:  I WAS JUST going to ask you that. This show always just expects us to forget stuff- like Tripp, or that Zegs didn’t even like Lil J last episode– or that Eric was ever part of the family. Unfortch, I just dont think ppl care enough about Eric.

Kate:  like, didn’t blair room in the dorms?

now she’s seductively eating strawberries at chucks hotel

Sarah:  Shes just obsessed with chuck

and lazes around all day

Kate:  she’s such a good girlfriend tho

she loves him so fiercely

it makes me happy

Sarah:  right.  but blair has become a shell of herself. EVERYTHING is about Chuck.

Kate:  she’s the good girlfriend who loves chuck fiercely. which is nice cuz all the rest of the relationhships on the show are shams

Sarah: yes yes yes

TOTALLY i love their love

Kate:  i love their love too

Sarah: That’s a nice thing to say about a couple

Sarah:  but blair is too into chuck – not healthy (speaking from experience)

Sarah:  nate and vanessa doing it made me SO GROSSED OUT

Kate:  UGH UGH UHG

Kate:  dan loves being topless tho

Sarah: dan loves wearing tank tops– navy ones.

Sarah: nate and serena– i just CANT buy them as a couple

no no no chemistry– none.

she has more chemistry with tripp

Sarah: Did they just say “I love you” for the first time?

Kate:  no one says i love you for the first time right after being called a ho

Sarah: no one except serena

Kate:  exactement

Sarah:  I KNEW chucks mom was bad!!

Kate: yes, i called the mom / jack kahoots.

poor chuck

Sarah: i know:(  Chuck is like a kitty kat though– he always lands on his polished wing-tipped feet!

Kate:  only serena would have a plan that involves a guy OBVIOUSLY ripping off her clothes. because god forbid  a guy like someone other than her. (Re: her attempted damien double cross.)

Sarah:  totally– she just wanted extra day sex. shes a sex addict! BAD. Go to that place Tiger went, S! That would be a good storyline. Then she’d have affairs with her counselors. If this show has taught us anything (and it’s taught us a lot) who can resist Serena? No one.

Kate:  Even serena can’t be surprised nate thinks she’s a slut.  she’s a slut.  and if she was so concerned about her reputation, she wouldn’t have ruined a senators (congressman?) marriage for a cheap thrill, nearly ruined her friendship with blair to have a tawdry affair with blairs boyfriend (at the time), wear anything that shows off her breasticular appendages,  or use her sexual wiles to try and trap people (Damien) into making out with her.  Slut. serena want to “relive that night” with Nate? she was wayway riding him on a bar stool like a cracked out stripped while he was DATING HER BEST friend!  wtf

Sarah: yes serena is totally sex driven and SO selfish!

agreed

Kate:  is lily dying of somthing?

Sarah: i really hope not but the “tests” didnt sound good

but rufus is the one who LOOKS sick

Kate:  sallow

i htink he might have a crush on Vanessa which is the real reason dan doesn’t want to tell him

Sarah: I think you’re on to something.

Btw,   i totally want chuck and lily to get together, and rufus and vanessa. Does that make me old that I want the parents more involved? Yes.

But that would be  hot. THAT i would give a crap abt.

Kate:  haha.

that is SO LIFETIME MOVIE OF YOU

Sarah:  call it as you see it!

Who is Clark Rockefeller? was amazing

AMAZING.

Fittingly, this ep was called “The Hurt Locket,” which means even GG knew that Bigelow was gonna go big at the Oscars.

Jenny in the Dress with K Zegs

So we start out with Serena having “quit politics” to focus on issues “closer to her heart.” Translation, she was into politics when it involved a guy she liked– Tripp. If you’ll recall they were so in love it was enough to break up a family and destroy a career. (But NOT EVEN A MENTION OF HIM THIS EPISODE. S changes relationships more often than she gets her roots done). Point is, she’s back to being a lady who lunches because she’s back with Nate, her “Prince Charming,” and a fellow rich slacker. No need for a job.

And Now, Our Thoughts.

Little J is a MONSTER. The way she acts with Lily? No.

“If we wanted to have sex, we’d just go to a hotel.” THIS IS WHAT SHE SAID THIS TO LILY after being asked her to keep her bedroom door open when K Zegs was in there talkin’ high profile drug deals:  Snark!! Lily, where is your backbone? That’s lock her up and have her homework messengered material! No? I am REALLY watching my karma so I don’t end up with a teenager like her. Hold on lemme pull out my rosary beads. I don’t have any. I should get some.

SO, lemme ask you something: has Rufus been so down and out about Lily’s one night in Paris (maybe Paris? I can’t remember) with her ex-husband that he’s taken to a steady diet of drinking and pills? He is SO PUFFY in the face and all the thick woolen scarves around his neck can’t hide it, CW. In real life, Matthew Settle is going through a divorce and apparently cavorting with much younger blondes, and it’s showing. There’s also rumors he could even be cozying up to Kelly Rutherford! Why not? It works for everyone else on the show to date each other. Those kids all have Summer Camp Love if I’ve ever seen it. When I look at photos of the guys I resorted to “liking” at summer camp, it’s like having an out of body experience. I just can’t process that I ever kissed a guy who wore turquoise spandex. I wonder if that’s how Blake Lively will feel about Penn Badgely one day. Maybe it’s how Jennifer Aniston feels about Tate Donavon now.

Welcome Home, Nate

Serena and Nate coatroom sex scene– points for hotness. (The homecoming scene at the Waldorf’s though? Too robotic). But in the coatroom, it’s steamier. Also, she is wearing a great taupe shade on her fingernails and a black shade on her toes, it looks GREAT. Noted.

Speaking of  Serena, she’s killing us. Immediately asking Damian to the French Ambassador dinner, just because Nate wisely suggested going slow? Sure we’d be bummed about the date being cancelled but we would never pull tricks like this  so early on. Girl, Nate sat by you in the hospital after your accident with Tripp, and then he texted you every night while he was away. Don’t. blow. this. She is just always just reaching for that destruct button.. because she can. Because everyone takes Serena back, no matter what. They think they’re mad at her, but then she walks in the room looking like a million bucks, and the mind hits reset. But take away the boobs and the hair? She’d have no friends and be living under a bridge. But since our Serena voodoo doll is only half-sewn, she continues to work that ridiculous rack and endless head of hair. We’ll let you know when the doll’s finished. Cancel that. YOU’LL KNOW.

Little J’s dress at the French Ambassador Dinner? Fierce. It’s by Andrew GN, and we can’t afford it. I do think they’re letting Taylor Momsen dictate her style a little too much. This much goth on the UES just couldn’t fly in real life, could it? We don’t know what it’s like up there these days, it was hard enough getting out of Brooklyn this winter.

When Serena called out to K Zegs, “text me your number,” I died. She just knows she doesn’t have his, but surely he’s scraped around to get hers.  (Maddeningly, she’s right). Most of us are all, “wait, do you have my number? Do I have yours? I can’t remember.” NOT SERENA.

Grievance: What about when someone in the coat room stepped on the Pill Jacket and a whole Percocet was crunched on the floor? No one saw that? At any given NYC party, a minimum of three drunk girls would have swan dove for it. Also, why does this French Ambassador’s daughter have to get her coat o’ pills AT THE PARTY when all eyes are on her? Doesn’t she have a minion she can send to a back alley?

As much as I can’t stand Little J, this story line has roped me in. Kevin Zegers is definitely so bad he’s good. Remember when you were 16 and you would do ANYTHING for that older crush of yours? You let him speak to you when he wanted (read: never in public) treat you like crap, and toss you aside for more experienced, bigger-boobed blond girls? Wesuredo.

Dan seduces V in a tank top

Of note: Dan looks really short in this episode.

Also, tsk tsk Rufus, why you gotta play Lily like that? You’re gonna toss it all out the window for the bitter single rich lady downstairs? Hope that “coffee” was worth it.

Blair’s Anna Karenina outfit? Hot. Chuck’s pinky ring? Not. We hope it’s something he’s just trying out, but Blair should have corrected that by now. Is love making Blair too soft? We’re worried.

Next week, Dan gets it on in a tank top with Vanessa, who’s back and “has feelings for him,” and Little J hopes to get “punished” by Damian. Barf!  I mean, rewind that. And, we find out that mysterious woman is Chuck’s mom after all. No surprise there. Blair knew that the minute she laid eyes on her! There is also a total resemblance in Chuck’s wide, flat-faced bone structure. Also, Nate and S wear themselves out. In bed.

Next week’s promo and sneak peek: