If you have been in a relationship for a few years, but you aren’t married or living together, what is a good way to keep moving forward in the relationship without taking HUGE steps? Basically, another way to keep things excited and WORTH being in a relationship?

This is about as sappy as a response I’ll ever give because I feel sympathy for this person. If you have to look for things to keep a relationship fresh, you definitely shouldn’t be looking to do anything HUGE. You actually need to take a hard look at the relationship and see if it is time to move on. Having been in long relationships in the past I know the hardest thing to do is leave them. You love the person, and you don’t want to hurt them and letting go of anything you’ve had that long is hard especially when there is really nothing wrong. With that said, sometimes you have to move on. And by move on I mean no more contact, no make-up sex, no nothing. This is really the hardest part for a couple reasons: 1. that person is comfortable, and knows you so when you are tired of going out and enjoying your new found dating life, they are easy to turn to. 2. There are lots of douchebags out there that are single and will be hitting on you. You’ll think-god my x is so much better. Trust me however there is a better match for you out there IF you think the relationship you are in is not the right one. Good luck.

Is it true that when a man likes you he does all the work? I tend to make my feelings obvious when I like someone, should I take a step back and let him do all that? Or when should a gal step in and let her feelings be known??

This has to be the same girl who asked the other question about long term relationships. No more sympathy-rookie. If you let your feelings known before he does, you are an idiot.  Make him do all the work-who knows, you actually may realize that once he has done all this work he really is not all that good anyway, and you are lucky you didn’t give him any. I just saved you an STD.  If you want to show your “feelings” go out and have a one night stand with a stranger. Try to hold off with a guy you like.

Have a question for the Lone Ranger? Click on comments below!

Start the day off right with Not Soap, Radio’s Awash in a Field of Four Leaf Clovers bath and shower bubbles. When you lather up in this emerald colored gel, breathe in the mystic Irish blend scent and be prepared for your day to transform.

Let’s face it, half the fun of a holiday is getting into the day’s theme and although you shouldn’t go all out for work, the silly stuff is best for when you get home. Since they say men need direct instructions as to what women want, slip on this PINK t-shirt and you’ll have no problem getting the message across. Or surprise him with Old Navy men’s boxers featuring four leaf clovers. It’s the perfect silly gift that keeps relationships fun and exciting and is guaranteed to keep him smiling and feeling lucky all day long.

If the look you want is less silly and a little more sexy, then Hanky Panky has got you covered. Although you may get pinched for not wearing green that people can see, these flirty Lace Boyshorts in Capri Green will be sure to get you lots of kisses later.

Sometime the subtle look is best and especially if green really isn’t your best color.  Try a  little teal on your nails with SpaRitiual’s Wicked color, Emerald City, which will add a little spice to your normally demure nails.  Or wear your green on your feet with Havaiana flip flops in Mint Green that will double as the perfect compliment to your swimsuit during the summer months.  If you’re looking for a gift for the home for that chic friend, the best way to give a nod to the holiday is through this modern candle by Trees Soy Candles in Gift. This white candle has a fresh aroma and a little sliver of emerald colored glass to symbolize appreciation and love. 

A new year is always a good time for resolutions, fresh starts and analysis paralysis. I’m sure all you single folk joined me in making a dating blunder or two last year and I’m here to offer up my past mistakes (and of course the mistakes of my gal pals) as examples of what not to do in 2010 if you’re looking for relationship bliss. Don’t forget you’ve only got about a month to secure your date for “Feel-Especially-Crappy-About-Being-Single-Day”, also referred to as Valentines Day, so time is of the essence to heed my wise words.

Get Rid of Any Loose Ends

Ex boyfriends who sext you randomly, midnight booty calls, friends-with-benefits. Whatever you call ‘em, they’re barriers to you finding a new flame. You dumped them (or never started really dating them) for a reason right? So get them out of your life properly to make room for someone new.  I know it’s hard, because there’s something very comforting about having a steady stream of compliments, and knowing it won’t be months upon months before someone sees your new 600 thread count sheets, but it is an absolutely necessary step.

I’d like to note here that a special friend of mine named Nadine (who BTW keeps a delightful blog at JolieNadine.com  that you should subscribe to) recently sent me an email declaring the following:

Unfortunately, I think I need to “lose” the number of my comfy, strapping booty call.  Comfy, strapping booty calls: So 2009.

I concur. So, totes 2009.

Stop Looking in the Wrong Places

I’m not talking about sports bars vs. online dating here kids. I mean the types of guys you’re going for. Get smart and treat this as if it were a big purchase (think: car, not fabulous strappy shoes). Before you get your credit score checked for the new wheels you think about the future a bit right? You obviously consider the flashy exterior, color, size, shape (um, get your mind out of the gutter ladies) but you don’t commit without also factoring in mileage, consumer reviews and resale value.  Apply the same logic to those you date if you’re looking for someone with er, staying power.

The same Nadine mentioned above, who is gorgeous, smart and uber funny for the record (translation: may murder me for quoting her again), also made this statement:

Love is top of my priority list for 2010, so I’m trying to be smart about going after guys that are not completely lame i.e. no more of this: “He’s pretty!  Oh, he’s a waiter who makes $15,000 a year and lives on a couch?  Soulmate!”

Touché

Check that Baggage at the Door

Or, at least invest in an itty bitty carry on. Whatever your ex, or booty call, etc… did or didn’t do in the past, need have no bearing on your future relationship’s success.  Vilifying your ex is almost as bad as still being in love with him in terms of barriers to intimacy. So, if you spent some time in 2009 putting up walls to prevent yourself from getting hurt again, you might want to consider just making peace with your past. I realized over the summer that I’d classified my ex as an “evil genius” of sorts. This gave him a lot of power in my memory and made me constantly on the look out for more like him. Really, he was just kind of an A-hole. In abandoning that old view, I gave myself freedom to stop protecting my heart against the “evil genii” of the future.

And then I met someone pretty great. His name is Chris. Now I just need to try my best not to screw it up by “When-Did-My-Local-Italian Restaurant-Become-So-Frickin’-Expensive -Day.” Wish me luck!

xoxo,

Taryn

I hear a lot of cliches now that I’m going through a terrible break up. One of them is driving me seriously nuts. I have very sweet, well-intentioned friends who, because they really want to see me happy, just keep pushing me to go out, meet someone new, date, date, and then date again the next night. I’m sorry, but whoever said the only way to “get over someone is to get under someone else” is a serious fool, (and kind of crass too). This is not the way to a healthy heart. Now that I’ve  been saddled with the sad, taxing task of getting over a person whom I was deeply in love with, lemme tell you, kissing an ex or flirting with a new guy? Road blocks. Reset buttons. And the last thing I want, after all the exhausting, sometimes thankless work of getting through this, is to have to start over.

I truly think it takes loads and loads of solitude, Law and Order SVU marathons, wine, listening to this song, soothing tea, runs, bad romantic comedies, long talks with girls who have been through similar experiences, writing, and just, tons and tons of time. But not… NOT another guy. I’ve only found those to be distractions from the task at hand, which for me, is healing, and self reflection in the form of;  “how did I end up here?”and, “how can I make sure I WILL NEVER BE IN THIS PLACE AGAIN?”

Kissing a guy, and then the result of having him call or not call: either one makes me want to cry. The ex before the ex? Just a reminder of everything that went wrong with him, on top of sleepless nights thinking about what went wrong with my ex-fiance. Then, I innocently hung out with one boy last month, just one night, which was weird and hard enough for me, but then the aftermath, like, the texts I was getting from him asking me out made me want to shed my skin, toss my phone in the Hudson, and move to Colombia. I’m just NOT ready and I have to accept that. Granted, this guy was no Ryan Gosling. Maybe he’s the one exception to my No New Boys Til I’m Healed rule.

To be fair, I understand that adage to a certain point. I do think if you’re not suffering from a true broken heart– say it’s more that you’ve just realized your crush likes someone else, or a guy never called for a second or third date… then yes, forage the waters with friends, kiss a cute boy to remind yourself you’ve definitely still got it and it’s his loss.

But the idea of rebounding right now after 4 + years of dating someone- and almost marrying him– makes me want to lie down from head spins and a sick tummy. I know that when I come out of this, I’ll have myself, my heart and head (and body too- running is really great free therapy for me right now) in tact. But if I could impose one bit of wisdom on you if you, too, have a broken heart (I sincerely hope you don’t!) : getting under a guy to get over one is not the road to happiness. It’s more like a trap door that only leads you back to the beginning of this tortuous time of painful grief. And no thanks, I don’t ever want to be back there.

Getty, courtesy of Flickr user Philar Sharmim.

1. Pack a picnic with some yummy foods from Whole Foods or Bristol Farms and take your gourmet lunch to a museum with free admission and sit on a grassy knoll like at the Getty in LA. Even better? Come after 5, and parking is free! This can be a great date because after your picnic you can go and explore the artwork. Just make sure it is more fun commentary rather than the dry intellectual lecture your art history teacher used to give.

2. For a lunch date go to an open air market, but make sure it is one with more than just produce. For example, check out Grand Central Market in LA, New Amsterdam Market in NYC or the Ferry Building Farmer’s Market in SF. More than just lunch, you get to sample all different foods, walk around, and chat while you people watch. Meals are cheap too and almost all foodies will be satisfied.

Jazz Club in Florida, courtesy of Fickr user aneye4apicture.

3. Let google and yelp become your best friend and search for jazz clubs in your area. Live music makes any date more fun and maybe even take a spin or two on the dance floor. Unfortunately, food at these establishments can be on the steep side, so go with an appetizer and drinks. Afterwards, try a new restaurant and split an amazing dessert as a treat for busting a move.

4. Fitness buff? Get free passes for an exclusive gym around town (most offer 3-5 day trials) and go experience all it has to offer. Take a class together, enjoy the sauna and end it all by relaxing your tired muscles in the hot tub. Stay with the health theme and go get ingredients for a healthy, yummy dinner from Trader Joes to eat at home.

New York, courtesy of Flickr user MaO.

5. Coupled up but don’t have money for that getaway you’ve been wanting to plan? Try a staycation, where you explore your own city like a tourist. I bet there are tons of things you have never done in your very own city that people travel from all over to experience. Get food at a local cheapie establishment, take a long walk and check out your city’s tourist attractions. You’ll not only have a great date, but you’ll realize why your city is so cool.

Source: Flickr User net_efekt

Back in 2002, when I first joined Friendster, my parents were completely shocked that their attractive college grad would sink to such depths, and my roommate would make fun of me incessantly for my geeky dating habits.  A good friend of mine even got me a Friendster T-shirt from Urban Outfitters that read “I give good testimonial” on the back. Man do I wish I still had that shirt!!!  Needless to say I quickly made the switch to MySpace in 2003, along with the rest of the fast adopters, and got myself a cute Silver Lake boyfriend in no time. Since we parted (after 3 years of dating) I’ve met quite a few winners online and am definitely a fan of the medium.

Now as an English major, I love writing and email banter, and so for me, finding out in advance that someone can spell properly is sort of a requirement. I mean, when considering the potential father of your offspring it pays to be picky eh? Obviously the online dating world evolved, and I began to branch into sites that were more target market specific to find the man, or ahem men, of my dreams.  From J-Date to Match to Plenty of Fish, I’ve tried ‘em all (save eHarmony who rejected me! WTF right? ) and I’m here to share the wisdom of a sage with you newbies so you can skip the bad and embrace the good.

When embarking on your internet dating career you must realize that you will make a few mistakes and there will be a few casualties along the way.  Learning to read between the lines and identify the dogs on the page, instead of at the coffee shop or bar will save you a lot of time and annoyance.  As you start reviewing  your prospective dates’ profiles, here are the things to scan quickly before even considering them.

Pictures – Are any of the following true?

• Does he have shots that look like they were professionally taken?
  • Analysis:  He’s probably an actor or trying to be. Don’t date actors or wannabe actors. Just don’t.  Trust me. Unless you’re an actor too, in which case definitely don’t date him. There’s only room for one star in any healthy relationship.
• Does he have pics that appear to be taken in the mid 90’s or earlier? (check the clothes on him, or better yet any women pictured with him to determine the approximate year)
  • Analysis: He’s 2 decades older than he says he is. Ignore him. Even if you’d like a sugar daddy, you want  one that’s proud of his elevated years.
• Does he have pics that exclusively include him partying with his friends, doing keg stands, or body shots with Hooter’s waitresses?
  • Analysis: Sounds like a fun guy! Send him some scantily clad pictures of yourself that you took for your ex boyfriend before you broke up. *

* Um, just kidding.  Kinda. No seriously I’m kidding. Avoid this guy at all costs.

Profile – What do his responses for the following areas look like?

• Music – Does he have 800,000 bands listed? Are they in alphabetical order?
  • Analysis:  This guy defines himself way too seriously based on his musical tastes. He’ll probably attribute the same high level of judgement to your CD collection. You want the guy who lists a few of his favorites (even if they don’t match your taste) and understands that a person is more than their favorite band.  Even if you yourself are a music snob, you should avoid this guy. He’s trapped in 8^th grade.
• Hobbies – Does this guy do things? You know, outside and with other people?
  • Analysis: A guy who doesn’t have anything going on in life is someone that is looking for a girlfriend to give himself purpose. This is a recipe for disaster. Hello clingy! Look for evidence that this man has interests off of the internet, and preferably look for pictures on his profile that back up the hobbies he lists.  i.e. if he mentions he loves surfing but looks like he hasn’t seen sun in the last 6 months he may only be riding waves in his dreams.
• Language – Does your future online boyfriend abuse internet speak with lots of LOL’s or emoticons? Does he write super cute stuff in his “Who I wanna meet” section like “PlEazeee B my #1 HaWTie 4 mE”?
  • Analysis:  If it was the former, get ready for some serious baby talk after day 5 or your 2^nd date (whichever comes first). Unless you have a high tolerance for being someone’s “wittle bunny wabbit” I’d suggest you look for a guy who knows how to spell out actual words. The latter is just stupid. Period.

Height – Women lie about their weight, men lie about their height.  If he says he is 5’10, he is 5’7. Tops! Now that might not be a problem for you, but if you like a man who doesn’t stand shorter than you definitely always subtract a good 3 inches off his reported height. Which is ok for someone rocking a 5’1 bod like me, but may not work out for you amazon princesses out there.

Source: Flickr User Schaeferdesign1

If you do a thorough analysis of the above categories and you’re still not sure, do a little quick research. Many people reuse the same handle on every site. If he goes by “California DreamBoat” on Match, it’s likely he uses the same name on OkCupid. You might be able to get a clearer picture of who this guy is by comparing and contrasting his online profiles for consistency.

Then if he passes all the tests, or most of them at least, feel free to initiate contact!  Try not to get too excited though, remember the rules of playing hard to get still apply online.

Xoxo,

Taryn

Ps. Got any more tips on this subject? I’d LOVE to hear them. Post a comment!