Happy 2010 Blush readers! 

A new year is always a good time for resolutions, fresh starts and analysis paralysis. I’m sure all you single folk joined me in making a dating blunder or two last year and I’m here to offer up my past mistakes (and of course the mistakes of my gal pals) as examples of what not to do in 2010 if you’re looking for relationship bliss. Don’t forget you’ve only got about a month to secure your date for “Feel-Especially-Crappy-About-Being-Single-Day”, also referred to as Valentines Day, so time is of the essence to heed my wise words.

Get Rid of Any Loose Ends

Ex boyfriends who sext you randomly, midnight booty calls, friends-with-benefits. Whatever you call ‘em, they’re barriers to you finding a new flame. You dumped them (or never started really dating them) for a reason right? So get them out of your life properly to make room for someone new.  I know it’s hard, because there’s something very comforting about having a steady stream of compliments, and knowing it won’t be months upon months before someone sees your new 600 thread count sheets, but it is an absolutely necessary step.

I’d like to note here that a special friend of mine named Nadine (who BTW keeps a delightful blog at JolieNadine.com  that you should subscribe to) recently sent me an email declaring the following:

Unfortunately, I think I need to “lose” the number of my comfy, strapping booty call.  Comfy, strapping booty calls: So 2009.

I concur. So, totes 2009.

Stop Looking in the Wrong Places

I’m not talking about sports bars vs. online dating here kids. I mean the types of guys you’re going for. Get smart and treat this as if it were a big purchase (think: car, not fabulous strappy shoes). Before you get your credit score checked for the new wheels you think about the future a bit right? You obviously consider the flashy exterior, color, size, shape (um, get your mind out of the gutter ladies) but you don’t commit without also factoring in mileage, consumer reviews and resale value.  Apply the same logic to those you date if you’re looking for someone with er, staying power.

The same Nadine mentioned above, who is gorgeous, smart and uber funny for the record (translation: may murder me for quoting her again), also made this statement:

Love is top of my priority list for 2010, so I’m trying to be smart about going after guys that are not completely lame i.e. no more of this: “He’s pretty!  Oh, he’s a waiter who makes $15,000 a year and lives on a couch?  Soulmate!”

Touché

Check that Baggage at the Door

Or, at least invest in an itty bitty carry on. Whatever your ex, or booty call, etc… did or didn’t do in the past, need have no bearing on your future relationship’s success.  Vilifying your ex is almost as bad as still being in love with him in terms of barriers to intimacy. So, if you spent some time in 2009 putting up walls to prevent yourself from getting hurt again, you might want to consider just making peace with your past. I realized over the summer that I’d classified my ex as an “evil genius” of sorts. This gave him a lot of power in my memory and made me constantly on the look out for more like him. Really, he was just kind of an A-hole. In abandoning that old view, I gave myself freedom to stop protecting my heart against the “evil genii” of the future.

And then I met someone pretty great. His name is Chris. Now I just need to try my best not to screw it up by “When-Did-My-Local-Italian Restaurant-Become-So-Frickin’-Expensive -Day.” Wish me luck!

xoxo,

Taryn

I hear a lot of cliches now that I’m going through a terrible break up. One of them is driving me seriously nuts. I have very sweet, well-intentioned friends who, because they really want to see me happy, just keep pushing me to go out, meet someone new, date, date, and then date again the next night. I’m sorry, but whoever said the only way to “get over someone is to get under someone else” is a serious fool, (and kind of crass too). This is not the way to a healthy heart. Now that I’ve  been saddled with the sad, taxing task of getting over a person whom I was deeply in love with, lemme tell you, kissing an ex or flirting with a new guy? Road blocks. Reset buttons. And the last thing I want, after all the exhausting, sometimes thankless work of getting through this, is to have to start over.

I truly think it takes loads and loads of solitude, Law and Order SVU marathons, wine, listening to this song, soothing tea, runs, bad romantic comedies, long talks with girls who have been through similar experiences, writing, and just, tons and tons of time. But not… NOT another guy. I’ve only found those to be distractions from the task at hand, which for me, is healing, and self reflection in the form of;  “how did I end up here?”and, “how can I make sure I WILL NEVER BE IN THIS PLACE AGAIN?”

Kissing a guy, and then the result of having him call or not call: either one makes me want to cry. The ex before the ex? Just a reminder of everything that went wrong with him, on top of sleepless nights thinking about what went wrong with my ex-fiance. Then, I innocently hung out with one boy last month, just one night, which was weird and hard enough for me, but then the aftermath, like, the texts I was getting from him asking me out made me want to shed my skin, toss my phone in the Hudson, and move to Colombia. I’m just NOT ready and I have to accept that. Granted, this guy was no Ryan Gosling. Maybe he’s the one exception to my No New Boys Til I’m Healed rule.

To be fair, I understand that adage to a certain point. I do think if you’re not suffering from a true broken heart– say it’s more that you’ve just realized your crush likes someone else, or a guy never called for a second or third date… then yes, forage the waters with friends, kiss a cute boy to remind yourself you’ve definitely still got it and it’s his loss.

But the idea of rebounding right now after 4 + years of dating someone- and almost marrying him– makes me want to lie down from head spins and a sick tummy. I know that when I come out of this, I’ll have myself, my heart and head (and body too- running is really great free therapy for me right now) in tact. But if I could impose one bit of wisdom on you if you, too, have a broken heart (I sincerely hope you don’t!) : getting under a guy to get over one is not the road to happiness. It’s more like a trap door that only leads you back to the beginning of this tortuous time of painful grief. And no thanks, I don’t ever want to be back there.