by Jake Kilroy
I am a straight male and I can honestly tell you that nobody looked better in jeggings last year than Conan O’Brien.
And it was because he laughed while wearing them. Jeggings go great with a sense of humor.
Somehow, in recent months, jeggings have crept into society like a stowaway on a luxury cruise.
Girls inside of jeggings need to know how baffling the clothing item is to boys on the outside. Jeggings are essentially “hilarity pants” to guys. We know that they serve an actual clothing purpose, but we can’t figure out if they’re novelty or not. This makes us uneasy. We like to know what’s supposed to be satire and what’s supposed to be art. Whether jeggings are either of those comes down to a fierce debate that will not be happening in this blog.
Instead, it should just be noted jeggings are jeans in the same way that tuxedo shirts are tuxedos. Can you replace one with the other? Sure, but somebody might think you were misinformed about the party dress code, and you’d probably freeze because of it.
And then comes the lofty explanation, “But they’re just like stretchy jeans!”
Consider this: if ‘stretchy jeans’ is part of your fashion defense, maybe you’re already in the wrong.
Ponchos are not Christmas sweaters, oversized business shirts are not dresses and jeggings are not jeans. Can each of those things be the other? Totally. Are they usually considered that way? No, not especially.
Also, if you’re claiming your leggings are jeans, then jeggings are just one more female fashion item that males somewhat grasp but grow wildly suspicious of. Hell, if you’re lying about something as mundane as your pants, what else could you be lying about?
The answer is “everything.”
Men accept jeans and men accept leggings (which we think are the same thing as tights most of the time). But jeggings are like a skintight lie. We feel tricked.
To males, jeggings are like a coat pocket that doesn’t actually go anywhere. Instead of musing on how cool the pocket looks, men talk about how we were fooled and then we grow furious about all of the cool things we could’ve stuffed into said pocket. We don’t say, “But it looks awesome.” No, instead, we say, “Dude, I could have a flask in here.” And we might not even own a flask either. But we also talk a lot about really cool things we wish we owned.
Dudes just don’t like being bamboozled.
I don’t know if girls think jeggings are a conversation starter, but, if that’s what you ladies are looking for, then expect the conversation to start off with “What the hell is with your pants? Why don’t they make up their mind?”
In all actuality, the only person who truly rocks indecisive clothing is Two-Face from Batman and he only started doing it after he had acid thrown in his face. So…maybe consider that.
However, jeggings are absolutely not a bad deal. They just can’t be easily categorized.
I was at a holiday party where jeggings made their appearance. When the guys present discussed the jeggings as if they were alien machines and could be valued as a deadly trap, the girls laughed, as they seemed to have heard this all before. What was their defense though?
“But they’re so practical! They’re basically leggings with pockets,” they informed us.
And this put the men at ease. It made so much sense! I mean, guys understand practicality. That’s why we like James Bond’s gadgets. Why would anyone not want a watch that also has a laser? Who hates convenience that much?
In conclusion, if you’re going to wear jeggings, have a sense of humor. We, as a collective dude species, are not against them. We’re open to them and, deep down, we’re probably very much for them.
Why? Because they make awesome butts look awesome.
So, really, I should say thank you, jeggings, for all the hearty laughs and awesome butts.
About the author:
Contrary to popular belief, Jake Kilroy was not raised by handsome wolves. Instead, he was raised by his nuclear family to lead a radioactive life in Orange County, California. He still resides there, though he skips town regularly. You may know him from fancy dinner parties in your area. He’s often the only one to bring licorice to such gala events. He is also an award-winning reporter and columnist.