Holy Cats last night was a big banquet of crazy. Some of my friends thought it was “stupid,” some thought it was “fantastic,” and one friend even called it “the best episode of the season.”

We open with Serena and Blair having it out on the street over Tripp Van der Bilt – a friend texted me last night asking “what is up with Tripp’s eyes” all I can say is that they’re buggy. Anyway, S is wearing an amazing jacket that I’m still on the hunt for (I’ll let you know when I find it), and Blair reminds Serena that even though Tripp SAYS he is going to leave his wife, fat chance. Blair tells S that she’s basically “an eighteen year old coincidence,” and that there’d be another one of her in 6 months. This is true. Even as far-fetched as GG can be, politicians don’t really leave their wives for blond little trixies in the real world, or any world. But I really don’t think S is looking at the long haul, she’s just bored and looking to stir up some troubs and cause some damage.

Then, because every girl needs a backup, S shows up at Nate’s door to go for a walk in that fabulous coat, and Nate, who’s totally in love with her says yes, obvs.

Then Vanessa busts up into Dan’s house, saying she’s done fighting with her mother and she’s staying there. And he gives her these studied, silly puppy eyes. But first of all V, who just invites themselves to the holidays like that? I have close friends too, we all do, yet I would never sashay into their kitchen and tell them I’m there til New Year’s.

Rufus invites Gramma CeeCee to Thanksgiving on video chat. My grandmother can barely use her portable phone.

There’s a Dorota subplot going on, as well as a Blair/Eleanor one. They’re both totally vanilla to me but I’ll run you through them. Blair walks into her apartment and Dorota is too out of it to greet her. Blair says: “Hello is the word you’re looking for Dorota.” I know a lot of people love the Dorota character but I think Blair treats her like crap, and I know it’s all a big joke about what a crazy bitch Blair is, but it’s getting a little old when it comes to how she treats help. Anyway, Blair finds a pregnancy test in Dorota’s bag, and she immediately assumes it’s her mother’s, because her mother has been so weird about coming home from Paris, and changing something on her will. Blair is dying to know why she needs to change it– so with the preg test she assumes she’s writing someone else into the will.

Meanwhile, Serena is still sporting talons on her fingers, but I read that those are for her character on the Ben Affleck movie she’s shooting in South Boston, so I’ll lay off.

When Serena and Nate are sitting on the bench in the park, S tells Nate she’s not having an affair, it was only one kiss. Yeah right lady. Because his tiny little elf ears are ringing, Tripp calls and says Maureen is pushing to have Thanksgiving dinner together (she’s.your.wife), so he has to cancel their plans. So S then asks Nate to come over instead, as her Turkey Day sloppy seconds. Nate says yes and looks at her with that longing puppy look similar to the one Dan is giving to V.

I have no idea how Lily knows Maureen (Tripp’s wife) well enough to invite her over to a family holiday, but that she does when she runs into Maureen on the street and they’re wearing the same brown tweed coat. End scene.

So V is sashaying around Dan’s kitchen while he’s making pumpkin pie, and she’s in a great silk eggplant top bitching about her mother, and she says something like “sorry I’m talking so much I haven’t had anyone to talk to since Oliva.” Yeah right like they  were that close. Then she says “Have you talked to her since left to film Bitches of Eastwick?” and he says no, and she goes, all serious-like, “hey, you know everything happens for a reason right.” REALLY V? That’s the last cliche anyone wants to hear after they’ve been dumped on their booty. Appropriately, Dan is all like, “That’s what they say,” but brushing it off.

Then he does the puppy dog stare at her, and she furrows her brow all ugly at him.

The door knocks, and Dan says “Don’t hate me,” and V’s mom Beverly enters. V is all “I won’t hate you because you’ll be dead,” and V’s mom is all “I called Rufus he says it’s ok if we do Thanksgiving together.” V says she’ll give her mom one last shot. Obviously what we’re working with here is the writers scrambling to get everyone together in one room so chaos can ensue.

Now we get to the good (non-boring) stuffing.

In the hotel of Chuck’s lobby, Tripp goes lurking around looking for S. She sees him, sighs, and heads to the elevator, and he follows. Honestly Tripp is just one of those guys who was a total loser in highschool and college, and so he got power-hungry, and now he has a teensy bit of power and a hot girl likes him and so he’s just dumb and angry enough at the world to go for it. There is no way in hell Serena’s attention span will last past the month, but this guy’s new to dating hot girls so he has no idea. Anyway, in the elevator he tells her that he and Maureen are doing T-giving with her fam now, which is gross, but he’s like, “all I want is to spend time with you, I don’t care if everyone’s around.” That’s sick. It’s her mother and your wife, weirdo. But I guess that doesn’t phase S, cuz she promptly pulls the stop button and goes in for the kill. She says something all breathy like “one last time” before she does it too. She’s such a little minx. He looks like he has bad breath, and, like my friend said, tiny, thin girly hands.

I’m not going to bore you more with Blair trying to figure out what’s on her mother’s will. It really is that boring and my coffee’s wearing off, so I can’t risk it.

Back to the real turkey juice: Chuck tells Nate he’s got Serena and Tripp making out on security footage, and poor Nate looks all crestfallen like he didn’t think S would really do that. Oh come on! Don’t you remember doing it with her on a hotel bar when you were sixteen and dating her best friend Blair?!

Chuck leaves and Nate makes a call to hotel security, apparently to get his manicured hands on that footage.

So Gramma CeeCee busts up in the apartment and Lily starts drinking. Not that fast but basically.

Then in comes V and Dan and  Beverly, along with  Chuck, Blair and her mother, with Blair doing all these pregnancy tests like shoving salmon under her mother’s nose in an attempt to make her nauseus and tempting her with champagne to see if she’ll drink.

Then the randoms make an entrance: Maureen and Tripp come in and Serena’s boobs greet them at the doorway. Ok ppl, this is really the highlight of the episode for me. WHAT THE HELL IS SHE WEARING to a family event. I don’t care that this is NYC and she’s rich and hot, it’s still in front of her grandmother, her stepfather, minors, … I mean this is essentially what Cher wore when she straddled the canon in the “If I Could Turn Back Time” video, just with a teensy bit more fabric. YES to a secret Kings of Leon show on the Lower East Side. No, to THANKSGIVING DINNER. I can’t….

Anyway, if you wanna know it’s a Stella McCartney jumpsuit.

Ok. Serena then watches Tripp take off Maureen’s coat for her and she kinda looks down like “oh my god he’s married.” Yep, that he is you little hussy. Does Maureen really need to be 3 inches from your face to remember that? Is anyone home beneath all those extensions and layers of lip gloss?

Maureen conviently scoots off and Tripp is all, “the hardest part’s over, Serena.” What?  The coat thing was the hardest part? Tripp don’t you watch the Weather Channel? Don’t you realize the weather always gets worse before it gets better? They haven’t even had to deal with a sprinkle yet.

Uncle Chuck sees them sharing a moment so he mozies over to bust it up. He says, “Hmm,” which is hysterical, “how about a little Thanksgiving proclamation. You two ever play grab ass in my elevator again, Serena will be staying at an airport Marriott . Happy holidays.”

Maureen beelines for Nate and immediately asks him if her husband and S are having an affair. Nate, who’s now in possession of the elevator footage, says “yes but we can end it quickly.”

Blair takes her coat off to reveal the cutest little dress and tights. I’ll post when I find it. Anyway, Jenny drags her out of the room, and Blair says, “haven’t you ever heard of a whispered aside?” Jenny needs to know if Eric was behind the fallout at cotillion, which Blair confirms.

Everyone sits down at a gorgeous table, and Dan tells V that Gramma “CeeCee’s heart pumps secrets and gin.” We love it. And then Dan gives her that puppy face again and she STILL can’t figure it out. Ok, let me jog your memory. Remember when you had a threesome a few episodes ago and you were apparently “very vocal?” And anyway, this time Dan’s face is less puppy-like and more checking out her boobs. Everyone woman knows when her boobs have just been glanced at, why isn’t she putting two and two together? By the way, V is wearing an absolutely fantastic boho dress tonight, which, again, I’m still scouring the web for.

Lily is getting drunk by herself in a corner on scotch, and Rufus stands up to tell a joke about pilgrims, and suddenly he goes into soft focus so all the scandalous conversations can take place. Blair screams at her mother that she knows she’s pregnant, V is a total bitch to  her mother, CeeCee lets it slip that Lily left her house almost two months before she went home to Rufus, so she definitely is lying to him about something, Jenny and Eric hate each other, etc. Then, Serena and Tripp are laughing together, and Maureen gives them an icy stare and says, “how can you two just sit there and smile, have you no decency? Tripp and I are going to grow old together– without you,” she tells S. “Or, he will be a political joke and you’ll be the punchline.” True. “The affair ends now,” she says, and puts Nate’s cellphone on the table as it plays the footage.

Lily comes in and sees the footage and takes Serena back into her room to give her a talking to. S tells Lily they didnt kiss until after he decided to leave his wife. And S is all, anyway, it’s different, he cares about me. And Lily says, “Do you know how it feels to be left, because I do. He’s leaving someone who up until today thought the same thing.” Very good, Lily. I feel like she’s finally figuring out how to mother, but it’s wasted on Serena.

She says, “walk away, Serena, walk away, and until you do, you’re not welcome in this house.”

Eric and Little J finally talk, and she’s like, “I don’t get it, You hate me but you’re pretending to be my friend this whole time.” Really? You don’t get how that works? That’s what girls like you do, that’s the definition of a frenemy, which are the only kinds of friends you have…I’m perplexed at her perplexing.

Blair is down in the lobby eating a whole apple pie when Eleanor comes up and she’s like “Blair you are completely off base I am not pregnant, but I did come back to tell you Cyrus and I are moving to Paris full time.” And Blair’s all, “You love new york, you said everyone who lives somewhere else is fooling themselves.” And Eleanor’s all I changed my mind and then they realize it was Dorota’s preg test, and they force Dorota to take a plate down to Vanya, and all is good in the hood with those two again. Sa-nooze.

But about Lily’s secret two month trip, Rufus tells CeeCee, “I trust Lily –when she is ready to tell me she will.” Hmm, not so sure about that Rufus, Lily is kind of the Queen Bee of secrets.

Dan  comes up behind Vanessa and her mother, who are once again arguing, and he’s like, “It’s Thanksgiving,” in hopes that will make them make peace. But V just keeps ripping her mother a new one. By the way, where is V’s Dad in all this? There’s no mention. Anyway, V always tries to act so mature and adult but when she’s whining at her mother all the time it sure reveals her true, bitchy self.

Serena comes downstairs and approaches Maureen,and everyone goes quiet.  She says “I’m sorry, I can only imagine what you’re feeling, what I did was wrong, I never meant to hurt anyone. I promise I’ll never see Tripp again.”

And Blair finds her and  tells her “Doing the right thing takes courage and strength,” then she says, “so I’ve heard.” Then they make up in two milliseconds and Blair invites S to Paris. Ugh Serena has the best life I can’t deal. Her reward for an affair is a trip to Paris?

Beverly and Dan have a heart to heart about Vanessa, and Beverly is all “oh my god you’re in love with her.” Which, of course, only happens in film and tv. In real life, the closest it gets is like, “wait, do you like her or something?” No one is ever like “You are in love!!” It just doesn’t happen that way.

Now bug-eyed Tripp comes up to Serena and Blair who are having a private convo by Lily’s safe.  He tells S all he cares about is her and yada yada. The weirdest thing that happens in this ep is that Blair believes Tripp when he says he loves Serena and that he’s really leaving Maureen. He’s all “I just dumped Maureen downstairs,” and somehow Blair is all like, “aw, go to him.” So. strange. So Tripp tells S he’ll be waiting in the car for her downstairs.

S then opens the private safe and finds a letter from her father to her, that has been opened but she’s never seen. And whatever’s in the letter makes her super pissed, and she shoves the letter at Lily and tells her she’s never allowed to judge her again, and she’s gone. Lily pockets the letter in her coat.

Uncle Chuck and Nate are talking about S and Chuck’s all “tell her how you feel, Serena deserves someone who would sacrifice anything to be with her. Give her a chance to be with a guy who does deserve her,” so Nate runs outside to catch her. He tries to tell her how he feels but it’s pretty wooden and lame,  he’s all “since last week…really three years ago when you left… please…” he never really finishes a sentence. He looks great, but he’s dim, which is why they’re perfect together. But then he’s like “don’t get in the car, stay here with me. Give me a chance.” And Tripp is all smug in the car like,  “Serena, you coming?” and Serena’s not really listening to Nate anyway, all she can hear is One More Guy Professing His Love, and she gets in the car with Tripp cuz it’s the stupider thing to do.

V’s mom tells Dan to keep his feelings for Vanessa to himself, because if he “breaks her heart this time, their friendship won’t survive it.” There is way too much unsolicited advice going on in this show. So instead of hanging out with Dan, Beverly and V go have drinks with the NYU theatre director Paul Hoffman and his parents. Random and boring. I hope they don’t drag that subplot out too long. Before they walk out the door though, V tells Dan she “likes his new face.”

Then Kristen Bell the narrator drones on about the truth, she says everything in life is “about the truth, whether it’s a truth you’re trying not to face or a truth that will change your life.”

Eric texts Jonathan that it’s time to strike out against Jenny.

Chuck asks Blair super casually if it’s ok if he stays and consoles Nate instead of going to Paris, and she’s all “that’s why I love you.” The old Blair would have pitched a fit and dragged him by his paisely tie all the way to Charles de Gaulle.

OK, for some reason Maureen is STILL up in that apartment after almost everyone has left! When she finally goes to find her coat, she grabs Lily’s instead (duh) and reads Serena’s letter, and she’s psyched, clearly she’s gonna use it against Tripp and S. But honestly Maureen lingering so long after she was dumped by her husband in front of everyone, not to mention int the apartment of the mother of the girl her husband left her for, and then saying casual polite goodbyes to everyone? Too weird.

We see Tripp and Serena taking off down the street, and guess what, Serena already looks bored. See ya Tripp! Although first, they still have to get in a car crash, as shown in next week’s teaser trailer. Then she’ll probably bounce back to Nate, but at that point I’m hoping Nate has seduced Maureen, just to keep things interesting.

Go here to glimpse next week’s GG

Tags: gossip girl, TV

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