Time Warner sucks and screwed up Sarah’s cable and Internet…so I’m filling in on the GG recap this week but Sarah will be back! Stay tuned!

Giraffe Jenny seeks a cotillion date

So the biggest buzz for tonight’s episode was the impending threesome. But naturally that’s not where the episode begins. It starts with Jenny and her cohort discussing date options for the big debutante cotillion…that’s happening tomorrow night. (Way to plan ahead J. You used to live in Brooklyn and commute to school – planning would have to be in your nature, but I guess you left that skill in the burough.)

We check in with Chuck and Blair; then go to Serena in Trip’s office, where the Congressman is offering the high school grad a job as a media relations officer. And then we jump to Vanessa, Dan and Olivia studying and then breaking news: the possibility of a big movie opportunity – one that would take Olivia far far away. (Finally, Olivia’s exit from the show – her arc is d.o.n.e.)

Lily is teaching all the little debutantes how to debut – so they’re at dancing class, learning to waltz. Lily says to Jenny: “You have your father’s natural rhythm.” (I then vomit in my mouth. Adults/Parents cannot and should not discuss their partner’s “rhythm.”) Jenny steps away from the main dance area to try to practice (cuz apparently this Humphrey rhythm actually sucks) and Eric catches her. “I’m going to make a complete fool of myself,” she whines. Eric replies: “Probably.” And she continues to ramble. Girl, focus! If someone disses you like that, you don’t continue droning on. He doesn’t care. And of course E schemes a bit to make sure Jenny doesn’t go to the dance with fellow Upper Eastsider Graham, who she actually is dying to have as her date. E suggests his boyfriend Jonathan as her date – he’s a Whitney after all, so it’s not that horrible. (Threesome alert? Jenny, Eric and Jonathan?)

At a party later that evening (chez van der Woodsen), the debutantes are paired up with mentors. (Frankly the only thing Serena should be mentoring is a cat.) Blair and Jenny eventually end up together as mentor-mentee and Blair is not satisfied with Jenny’s date choice. “Your stepbrother’s boyfriend?” I love it when they call out the weird relationships on this show.

In the meantime, Serena abandons being a mentor and heads back to “work,” where Trip is working late. She brings him dinner and they flirt a bit until another co-worker arrives (Threesome?!); but he breaks up the party and Trip sends his sexpot teen media relations rep home. (But why, Trip? You’ve hired the most qualified person out there. New York is not full of unemployed publicists at all right now. A recent high school grad is the perfect choice for a new politician.)

Trip and Serena working late

Jenny decides to dump Blair as a mentor and says to her, “Your era is over and so is your headband.” Booyah Blair. This episode introduces a new character, Kyra, who’s a bit of a lurker. She ends up being a pawn for Blair and Eric, who decide to band together to bring Jenny, who is now being a spoiled terror, down. (Threesome?! Eric, Blair and lurky Kyra? No dice.) When Kyra tries to tell Blair that she wants to be Jenny’s friends, Blair shuts her down with, “Girls like her run emotional Ponzi schemes.” And with that, she’s in on the scheme to steal Jenny’s date so she’s left with no one when she’s presented at the cotillion. (The horror!)

At the end of this scene, when Jenny thinks she’s the shiz, Gossip Girl says, “Goodbye Jenny from Brooklyn” – this is so when “Jenny from the Block” should’ve played in the background.

Meanwhile, back to Dan, Olivia and Vanessa (threesome!?): they’re going through a list of things that you have to do in college, which of course is so painfully cliché it hurts. (Beer pong? Spare me.) Anyway, at one point they are at a party doing tequila shots (and NO ONE is taking a camera phone pic of Olivia? Puhlease! That would be retweeted to oblivion in three seconds flat). Olivia has to take yet another call about the movie and this group of three creepy dork fans (threesome?! Please say this is it!) attacks Dan, saying that Olivia has to be in this movie. And then one disses Dan with “Nice V-Neck” – which is such a great line. Olivia returns and says some dweeby thing about how the friends she’s making now are going to be her friends for life. Really? I don’t think anyone says that the friends you meet at NYU last a lifetime.

The girls at the Cotillion

Meanwhile, back at the ball, the teens (whose parents are in attendance) are all toasting with champagne. Nate arrives in a tux. Why? No idea! But the mystery we do find out is how Eric convinced Graham to switch dates (from Jenny to lurky Kyra) – the threat of revealing secrets from their childhood camp, Camp Suisse. Natch. In the meantime, Chuck and Nate have devised a plan to get Serena and Blair to finally hash out their issues: by trapping them in an elevator with single malt scotch and some macaroons to sustain them. (Such a Chuck snack. Probably what he left out for Santa as a kid.) And what a perk to owning a hotel – being able to trap people in elevators to work out their problems. So obviously we know that the ball is being held at Chuck’s hotel, which is where everything seems to be held these days, which is so New York – to overuse the latest hot spot and suck it dry. So the girls are in the elevator, where Serena tells Blair everything that’s been going on – how she tried to find her dad and she realizes now that nothing’s going right in her life. (Duh.)

Downstairs at the ball, the Plasticines are performing their song “Bitch” – nothing says classy Upper East Side Cotillion like a good ol’ rendition of “Bitch.” Blair and Serena are pals again and come back down in time to see Jenny manage to find a date to be presented with – none other than happens-to-be-in-a-tux Nate Archibald. (You know who wasn’t dressed for the event? Serena. For the first time this season, she was inappropriately underdressed and her boobs were covered.)

Jonathan arrives to tell Eric he’s tired of his scheming and [snorrrrre] – sorry I nodded off there – and they’re broken up. Moving on to more interesting things…

Dan reads "the to do list"

We head back downtown to the now-drunk co-eds. Dan, Vanessa and Olivia are trashed – here it comes. To complete their list of things college kids do, lo and behold, they have to have a threesome. Awkward pause. If you’re drunk enough to have a threesome, you’re not going to sit around awkwardly contemplating it. This scene was super unsexy. (Please correct me if I’m out of line here but I felt uncomfortable with these gangly teens trying to figure this out.) So they all kiss. And we cut to Dan and his two hos on either side of him in bed. And scene.

Next week: Dan thinks he’s awesome because of this (and will until he’s 85 and has Alzheimers). And Nate helps Dan realize he’s an idiot and screwed things up by doing it with Vanessa instead of a stranger.

Tags: gossip girl, TV

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