What a weird, strange trip last night’s Gossip Girl was. I mean it was literally all over the place, full of holes and annoyances.  The most positive part? Serena is finally exposed for the beast she is (meanwhile Blair was just being Blair) and kind, wiser than his years Uncle Chuck Bass gives another wisdom-infused pep talk.

Also going on last night? The world series apparently. Because I’m still waiting for cable in my NYC apartment, I watched GG at my baseball lovin’ friend’s house, and we kept switching over to the game. Happily, it was no sweat off my back:  I got a load of Cole Hamels in the Phillies’ dug out. Holy cats, is this guy the Tim Riggins of baseball or what? Also, Alanis sang the National Anthem and she looks phenomenal. Most women I know wouldn’t be able to work a thigh-high camera angle, but ever since she went vegetarian and started running (she’s run two marathons in the last month, just Sunday she ran here in the NYC marathon, but I missed her) this 35 year old songstress is smokin’ hot.  Your loss Ryan Reynolds: those thighs are nothing to kick out of bed- let’s see where Scarlett’s are in 10 to 12 years.

So anyway, Chuck is back in his three piece suit and back on his feet in his brand spanking new hotel. Tonight, he’s throwing the election party for Trip Van Der Bilt, Nate’s cousin. And although this  GG episode starts off bright and early on a fall morning, no one told Blair Waldorf: she’s flouncing around the NYU dorms in a $2300 in a gold Oscar de la Renta dress– and not to be outdone, the only other person in those flourescent-lit hallways not in jammies and zit cream is Serena, whose outfit also nods to Studio 54. In real life, they would stick out like big sore-thumbed glittery fish.

Serena’s in the dorms to deliver the screener of Hilary’s previous nights appearance of Jimmy Fallon. But I really think she’s just there to bust up on Dan and Hils in bed and once again make Hils feel like crap about herself. Hilary and Dan are lying in bed and Hills looks very normal and collegiate in a gray over-sized t shirt nightgown, but Dan is way too fond of his new found muscles to not use this opportunity to bare all. They wake up pillow talking about her Fallon interview (plug yourself enough Jimmy? I just saw you moonlighting on 30 Rock last week) and Hills keeps trying to dodge the details– or any chance Dan might see it. This lends her a lot of opportunities to scrunch her face and look put out and worried (Hilary Duff acting 101).

Ok, the camera man must have a real sick sense of humor- he chose to film Hils and Serena talking from an angle where we’re looking down at Hils behind Serena’s gargantuan head of hair on top of her six foot Amazonian body. It does no one any favors. Also, Hilary’s still in that dumpy t shirt night gown and Serena is wearing her 4 a.m. Chelsea street corner outfit. And, whenever Dan sees the two of them together, he’s got to be COMPARING past vs present, and poor Hils is positively dwarfed. Serena looks at Dan like,  “hello, are you getting this? Me, with the bedroom eyes and just-rolled-in-the-hay-hair and these legs that won’t quit, and her, the tiny, puffy- in-the- am girl in a schlubby t-shirt?” It’s  rude, really.) All Hils has on her side is to tell S that she hears Patrick’s really taking his method acting too seriously of late. So?!

OK, what is on this Fallon interview tape? Serena and Hilary are both acting terribly shady, like it’s the Watergate papers or something.

Then K.C. the evil publicist is fluttering about her office yapping on the phone to S about the Van Der Bilt election party, and Serena, because of her recent snafoo with Nate, says she can’t be of help. But K.C. reminds Serena that publicists are nothing without their social spheres, and if she doesn’t pull it off (getting Patrick into the party) then she should “pack up her desk.” I truly did not know S had a desk. I just don’t think S does desks. How can you flaunt what your plastic surgeon mama gave you behind a desk?

When Blair runs into Serena in the hall she rubs it in S’s face that she knows S is not on the Van Der Bilt party list. Serena attempts to call Nate to get on said list, but he ignores her.

OK. Remember how I forgave Vanessa for being a one dimensional actress and character with all her goody two shoes/terribly invasive B.S.? She’s back on my sh** list after last night. Maybe it’s just the writer’s fault, they don’t really seem to know how to give her much dimension. So adding to V’s sense of nosiness and moral loftiness is this camcorder she’s toting around in every scene to document the election. I mean it really just magnifies everything that’s wrong with V.  She’s PUSHY AND INVASIVE, and now she’ll even capture all your flaws on tape!

Then, the real reason V is toting that camera around is upon us: when she follows Trip and his political posse to the Hudson River, in the background of one of her “who are you voting for” interviews, a guy seems to slip off a dock and fall in. Trip leaps in to save him, and suddenly, the man whose numbers were slipping in the polls is now a local hero.

Serena then shows up in her next-to-nothing ensemble (although I do love the sequined jacket) to the Van Der Bilt political loft and begs Nate: “I need you to put me and Patrick Roberts on the list.” Nate’s like, “you tried to ruin my cousin’s campaign,” (seriously, why is she even allowed in there?) and she’s all, “well my job is at stake.” I’m sorry Serena nobody gives a flying F about your job.  EVEN when you talk in whispery baby speak. But then Trip himself

comes up to Serena and personally invites her. Man, when you look like that you will ALWAYS GET YOUR WAY. How will I explain this timeless injustice to my future daughters?

Blair is at the coffee shop  in her gold dress with her minions, talking about her exasperating search for friends. When she spots a girl with a Valentino 360 bag, (for which Blair’s on the waitlist) she goes up to friend- flirt with the girl, and there’s like real tension, and it’s actually a real moment. Blair being vulnerable to a stranger is impossible to turn away from. B asks the girl, (who’s got big cheesy blond hair and lots of makeup) to the party that night in her continuing effort to prove to S that she’s got other friends.

On Park Avenue, Little J is parked on the couch with the swine flu and Dan and Hils are playing Scrabble with the family.  J without her kabuki make up is much more appealing, but she’s still annoying, none the less. When Dan goes back in Little J’s room to look for a Scrabble dictionary, he decides to use Jenny’s ibook instead, and just in case we don’t know that that would entail a Google search, he audibly says “OK, s-c-r-a-b-b-l-e dictionary….” But .. something catches his eye mid search, for who could resist looking at what J’s already got up on her computer? It’s the top 5 youtube videos, and one is of Hilary on Fallon, the clips called “Bathroom Boy,” and of course he’s gonna watch it.

Really, all it is is Hilary telling a story about how when she went on her first date with Dan he came back from the bathroom with his shirt inside out. He had told her there was a spider on it, so he took it off to shake it. I MEAN REALLY PEOPLE THAT WAS THE BIG MYSTERY. She also says, “it’s our one month anniversary,” and the crowd “awwws.” This is what you can get away with when a guy is blinded by your fame and money. The rules are totally different for you.  If I made a big to-do over a one month anniversary, any guy I dated would hop the first flight to Afghanistan.

After Dan sees the clip he rushes out of the Park Avenue apartment, leaving Hilary there with Lily, Rufus and Little J. Also, where’s Eric? Is he so done with Jenny after her bitchy antics from last week’s Halloween episode that he ran off to San Francisco? OK, Hils and Dan have definitely not been dating long enough for him to bust out of his apartment and leave her there with his fam. Anyway, they all realize he must of seen her interview and so then Hilary rushes out (probably mostly to get away from awkward talk with a family she’s met ONCE) and calls Dan but he doesn’t answer.

So Serena shows up at Patrick’s apartment. I gotta give it to this guy, he’s got that pretty boy face that hides an a total American Psycho, and he’s tooo good at acting like a complete ass. He’s the kind of guy you fall for when you hate yourself. Anyway, he found a script in the dumpster (weird) for a remake of “Leaving Las Vegas”—WHAT am I THAT OLD? They’re making the remake ALREADY? Good lord. CREEEEAAAK, that’s my bones shifting while I write. I feel like I watched that in the theater 3 days ago. Anyway, he mentions that MILEY CYRUS has signed on for the Elizabeth Shue part? Elizabeth just rolled in her grave. Wait no she didn’t!  She’s still very much kicking it and super hot at that! Uy, at moments like this I really hate this show. But now I’m thinking, is this some wink wink at Hils playing Faye Dunaway’s part in the remake of Bonnie and Clyde? (Do you remember that verbal tiff Dunaway and Duff they got into earlier in the year?) Maybe this IS a jab at pop singers taking on real roles, who knows. I can’t remember who they cast in

Warren Beatty’s part but whomever it is will never rival the hotness that was Warren as Clyde.

So… because Nicolas Cage drank himself to death in “the original” Leaving Las Vegas, Patrick decides he’s gonna slug Jack Daniel’s all day in attempt to go method, and meanwhile S tries to get him dressed for Trip’s party.

V meets up with Nate on the waterfront and tells him, with such a crinkly forehead it makes me nervous for her 30′s, that she’s stuck between a rock and a hard place—she captured the footage of the guy casually jumping into the Hudson (and even taking a few pleasure strokes before flapping his arms around and screaming for help). OK, this is where GG really lost me last night. Couldn’t the fix have been a little more thought out? It was about as phony as it gets. And of course, because someone made Vanessa God and she has to always remind people of morals and right and wrong and all that crap, she tells Nate she’s going to continue her plan to sell it to NY 1, because she doesn’t want to be part of a “cover up,” despite the damage it will do to Trip’s campaign.

So when V walks away from Nate thinking “my job is done here, without me the world would be chaos” she actually attempts to walk ON the Hudson’s water because she truly believes she’s a boho God with circus hoop sized earrings, and then she too falls in. No she doesn’t but I wish she had. By the way I have a few choice friends who just love V, but they’re the same friends who loved that show “Veronica Mars,” and it was the same deal but with Kristen Bell as the lead, and she was always having to show everyone the difference between right and wrong and without her, EVERYONE WOULD BE LOST. Judgmental people are not my preferred type of party.

The next scene is at Trip’s party, and it opens with this incredibly awkward, directionless moment where Serena is talking to a politician and says someone calls “action” and Blake Lively ad libs, “Wow. Thank you so much for explaining that.” Awkward pause.  And the creepy politician actor is all like, “well thank you Ms. Boobs. I mean Van der Boobsen, I mean, is the bar open yet?”

Blair brings her new cheesy blond friend, and B is wearing an incredible DVF maroon dress. Through out the party, B keeps dropping hints that she thinks Serena’s cheap. At one point she says to Serena “well no one ever accused you of saying no.” Burn!

Vanessa storms in wearing an  ironic hipster prairie flower patterned dress, backwards, no less. I’m not feeling this V outfit, and normally her clothing is her only redeeming quality. Anyway, she’s mad as a big-haired hornet because she’s found out that Nate had a fake NY1 reporter meet her to buy the tape off of her.  “What happened to the guy I used to call my friend?” she asks him. Let me stop you here, V. Let’s not forget, the guy you were dating. And you realllly liked him. Why doesn’t anyone ever address they were all at one point sleeping with each other?I could sure use Blair and Serena and Vanessa’s tips to get over my exes as quickly as an episode and then hang out with them and their new girlfriend in my next episode. But somehow, no one on this show ever has jealousy problems. It’s. just. not. realistic- at all.  Anyway, V says of Nate “You used to have a moral compass.” Sa-nooze. With friends like her, who needs a Dad, a guidance counselor,or a parole officer?

Blair tells Serena that Patrick is “drunker than Paula Abdul during Hollywood week,” and that she had him thrown out (but really he’s just in an upstairs room). So when Serena is pissed at Patrick upstairs and trying to sober him up, he’s like, “did she get me thrown out because I’m tipsy or because her friend’s a call girl,” and then we see a light bulb go off over Serena’s extensions and she heads back down to the party.

When the party sees the news reports that the Trip’s heroic Hudson River moment was a set up,Trip says he’s going to withdraw, he says something about how he doesn’t play dirty. Um, this is Gossip Girl, not Smallville. Yes you do. I know you do.

Blair’s cheesy blond call girl friend  is working on a politician, and Serena is psyched to out her. When the politician is confused as to whether S is also “working,” (because WHO WOULDNT BE)  Serena says, “I know, you want to go upstairs and see if two blondes make a right.” Then the call girl says to S, “I’m sorry, I thought I was working this party alone. Did the agency send you?” And Serena runs around telling everyone that Blair is friends with a hooker.

Upstairs on the hotel balcony Patrick Roberts’ has gotten loose like a zoo animal and he’s in his underwear causing a small scene, while Chuck’s trying to give an interview about his new hotel. He says something like “the only reason to go to the Mercer is to see Russell Crowe have a freak out.” That’s funny, because I was across the street the day he threw the phone at the desk guy and saw all the hoopla outside. I would have thought Chuck Bass would have been 12 when that happened, and he probs was. Cringe.

Serena and Blair finally go head to head at the party, and Chuck comes over when he sees them bickering about the hooker and S’s hookerish ways, and Chuck says something like, “Girls this is supposed to be a classy affair, not a sample sale at an outlet mall.”  Re: the call girl, Blair calls a spade a spade and says “it’s no different from you, who’s getting paid to date her clients.” (Yessss, finally all of Serena’s horrificness is leading up to something). Serena gasps in horror and Blair says, “If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck,” which I just find really adorable, I guess just because it’s Blair and it’s a reference to a cute animal, and then Blair seals the deal when she says “ the only prostitute here is you.”

That’s when Serena pushes Blair’s pretty little face in the red white and blue victory cake. In a moment of realness, Blair’s face is devoid of make up when she returns to the screen after wiping off the icing. AND it’s great that her face is naked when she finally really, truly, honestly calls Serena on all her crap. Which she will, in a minute.

Vanessa is still filming the entire party with her stupid camcorder. Wouldn’t Nate have tossed her out by now? It’s her fault this guy might lose the campaign and she’s still standing there like a welcome guest with that camcorder glued to her furrowed, judgemental brow?

Anyway, Nate gets up in front of the whole party and takes the blame, saying he staged the man’s fall into the Hudson. He tells everyone since Trip had nothing to do with it, he’s still a hero, he still jumped in to save him. And miraculously, Trip wins the election! You’re so silly, GG!

Then my main man Chuck gives Serena a real talking to, he reminds her this isn’t high school where one day you can say “I hate you,” and then make up the next day on the Met Steps, at the Peach Pit, or in my case, the local McDonald’s. He says if she’s not more careful “One day you’re going to be telling people about Blair Waldorf, the girl who used to be your best friend.” Then he does the CB walk away and leaves S to contemplate her awfulness. Oh man, I love him more and more every day episode.

When Trip comes up to Nate to thank him for taking the blame, the writers try to have a serious moment with the shake of Trip’s hand, Nates asks for  “just one thing.”  He says “be the best congressman this district’s ever seen.” Nate  tells Trip he’s the only honest man in the fam, and they’re counting on him to do good. But for some reason, we don’t see that coming true (thank God).

Anyway, Blair finally gets her moment. She tells Serena “You’re so far deep in Serena world you can’t even recognize what’s going on. You’ve always been number one but now I have college and a real relationship and I’m starting to build a life for myself.” And Serena pouts and says she’s trying to do the same thing, but she’s not. She’s drifting, she’s a glorified call girl for her fake PR agency, and as BLAIR POINTS OUT: Drifting from Dan! Thank you Blair for finally pointing out the newly buff elephant in the room: they were madly, madly in love, and now they act like ex lab partners.

Blair says “we’re over,”  and Kristen Bell narrates,” just like politics, this friendship had a term limit.”

Serena is trying to get Patrick home in a car, and he’s so drunk and still wants to go to a bar and he tells her it’s HER JOB to go. Well Serena finally remembers she’s rich as hell and doesn’t need the money now or ever. She could live in Barney’s for the next 40 years and still not make a dent. So S looks up and sees Blair come out of the hotel, only to lock eyes with her to remind her she hates her, then she heads back inside. Then S somehow finds a sharpie and scrawls “KC I quit” on Patrick’s shirt and shoves him into the car.

Closing  moments: We find out that Trip’s seemingly too sweet wife planned the Hudson moment (the only thing I remember about her is a boring red dress, pearls, a rail thin body and glaring white teeth) and she’s trying to take the power away from Trip’s grandfather.

Then Blair and Chuck cuddle up in bed, she tells him she’s not friends with Serena anymore and she’s all swaddled up in a fluffy white terry cloth robe, and she’s got her cute little manicured feet all twisted together, and she says it’s ok that she’s not friends with S anymore, because, as she says to Chuck “you’re all I need.” But I know Uncle Chuck knows there’s more to a girl’s life than a boyfriend, so even while he placates her with a kiss and a cuddle now, he’ll find a way to get them back together. His weasel eyes are somewhere far off in the distance, plotting it all.

Serena is sitting at the hotel bar (why would she ever  go back in to the place where Blair, her newly minted enemy, whose face she just SHOVED into a cake, still is? Whatever, I’m tired) and Trip comes to join her:  he orders “what she’s having” and she orders another, and we just love where this is headed… because it’s back down that lusty, dark road paved with bad decisions that we’ve been missing! When Chuck goes good, someone else definitely needs to go bad to keep it balanced.

Oh, and then Hils shows up at Dan’s in Williamsburg and there are candles lit everywhere (which ONLY.HAPPENS.ON.THE.SCREEN) and he’s all “I don’t care about the Bathroom Boy thing, I was just sweating a lot on that date so I switched my shirt inside out, and also I ran out on  you because of our one month anniversary– I forgot.” I thought he was going to say “I also ran out on you because you made a huge deal about hooking up with me for 3 weeks (I subtract one week because she was in JAPAN) on National TV and I realize you’re bat sh*& crazy” but he doesn’t… Anyway, of course you forgot Dan!  I also forget my dog’s half birthday! And I already forgot what I was talking about because this plot line is so g.d. boring!!  I can’t do this with you two! When is this “term limit” up?

Next week: The much anticipated THREESOME. Who do you guys think it’ll be? I’m pushing for Olivia, Dan, and Serena. Gross, I know.

Tags: gossip girl, TV

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